It has been wonderful being home. Pop has been in the hospital for his transplant now since May 14th. In the time since, Mike has been able to go in a couple of times a week to see his dad. Every Sunday he's gone to the hospital - usually with his mom. Sundays seem to be his dad's best days, with more energy - though that is fading now. Mike has been a support to his mom, even if it's just an ear on the other side of the phone. I've been in with Mike once and once with his mom. Not as often as I would like, but with the two kids and living somewhere new, I haven't felt the freedom to do that. If the hospital wasn't in New York City, I would drive there myself in the evenings. But I don't know my way around yet and nighttime probably isn't the best time to try to figure it out.

When life gets tough, I find myself wanting to withdraw. To hide out in a corner until things calm down. When Zach was a toddler he would always reach for his stuffed animal, turn it face out, stick his finger in the tag and rub his nose with the tag while he sucked his thumb. He would usually seek my lap while calming himself in this peculiar manner, and it brought instant peace. We haven't found what brings us that instant peace yet. The kids and I are trying the relaxed, ease-into-it type of integrating into the community here. But since we have now all outgrown our silky tags and blankets, we are searching for ways to calm our minds even when we can't control the world around us. Don't get me wrong, Pearl River isn't a bad place to be. It's more of this year being so full of changes and transitions that have thrown us out of our zones and we haven't recovered yet.

Vacation Bible School just ended. Towards the end of the week, while the kids were racing from one event to the next, I tentatively struck up a conversation in the foyer. A kind lady there kept talking until I got comfortable enough to get a chair and join her. The next day her husband came in and I had the opportunity to talk to him for a while too. Russ and Eleanor have quite a few years on me and a lot more experience. What a joy it was for me to get to know this couple. My first blog entry on these pages was talking about the older people in our lives and how they have so much wisdom that we haven't tapped into. The truths that they have experienced for themselves and not just heard or read about are worth listening to. Though they would probably not label themselves that way, talking with Russ and Eleanor this week put a spark in my life again. A spark I was needing.

(Thank you, Lord, for even the little things you do in our lives.)

I just returned from a ladies retreat. Mike encouraged me to spend this weekend with a group of ladies while he cooked and cleaned, and watched the kids. I like such weekends because I almost always feel more appreciated when I return. (Editor's note: flowers were indeed waiting upon her return)

This was one of those emotional weekends – in the midst of all the turmoil here in Kenya, everyone had pent-up stress until they safely arrived at the retreat. Then with the first worship songs, the dam burst on us all. I think I cried for the first 24 hours. During that time, lyrics from the worship songs kept jumping out at me: "I will not be afraid, I will trust in You." "Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, still I will say, blessed be Your name." "Break me, Lord."

And my thoughts went something like: "I am afraid, but I want to trust in You." I'm not sure what God has in store for us next, but we are willing.

I returned yesterday and today received an e-mail from another friend who is battling to keep a beloved foster child. She wrote: "I often find that praise and worship songs speak so strongly to me and this morning in church was no exception.  As we were singing the song "How Great is Our God" I was overwhelmed with the assurance that no matter what happens in the next few weeks, our God is Great!  There's a line in the song that says, "And all will see, how great, how great is our God"... That is my prayer through all of this – that God will be glorified and will make Himself known.  Our hearts are breaking at the thought of saying good-bye to Malachi, but we also know that He is the Lord's and God has a good plan for him.  I've been reminded that God has not called us to a life of ease and comfort, but to an abundant life. This means we are to embrace all that He has for us... the joy and the pain and that He will give us what we need when we need it!!!"

A quote from this weekend that struck me was this: "God is the God of all circumstances." Through the good times and the awful times too. Another e-mail I got today offered this, "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!" I'm not sure what kind of battle you have in store for us, Lord. But we do know that you are capable. And you are loving.

To those of you praying for us, thank you for joining in the battle with us. We feel so blessed to be a part of the bigger family, the bigger community of God's people! And we love you for that.

What a whirlwind since that relaxing Christmas day. You've probably seen news about Kenya since the elections and the chaos and rioting that they have brought. But the chaos and rioting in my heart has come from the other side of the ocean. Mike's dad was hospitalized on Christmas – after my last update. After many guesses and possible prognosis, the result is that dad has cancer, bad. He's still not out of the hospital 4 weeks later and has been battling an infection this week. My heart yearns to be there, although I know there is nothing we can do while he's in the hospital. My heart is also trying to "break free" from the responsibilities we have here and jump across the ocean, questioning the whole time what is most important... family or ministry? Questioning what would Jesus do in this situation – knowing that he didn't rush to his friend, Lazurus, when he was dying. (But I can't raise anyone from the dead.) Questioning how far we need to go to follow the Lord, and if we can go back and still be in His will. We know that it's right to "take care of widows and orphans" – but does that mean we need to wait until dad is gone? One of my biggest reasons for wanting to go is to be near a godly man for the remainder of his time on earth. To encourage and lift him up, but also to witness a life pleasing to God. Matt (dad) has such wisdom and God has taught him so much. He has an awesome understanding of the character of God. Do we really need to go through all the same lessons ourselves, or can we glean from someone who has already learned them, from the heritage God has given us? Will God be pleased if we "make our own way" and go back to be with a man that can bless all of our lives?

Today is Christmas day. And a wonderful relaxing day. We had our traditional cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate before opening our presents. Thanks to my sister, we were blessed with new clothes and a few fun and/or pampering things to open on Christmas day. Mike and I bought a few things ourselves, which rounded out the gifts very well. Now Amelia is upstairs listening to her new Adventures in Odyssey CD's. Mike and Zach are playing nerf gun wars downstairs. I've got a little time to myself while the turkey's in the oven and before I need to put anything else on. We're having neighbors over for an early dinner, so now our focus will be geared toward our guests. Last night we watched "The Nativity", what a great reminder of what the Israelites were going thru and how urgently they were searching for the Messiah that would come to save them. It was a good chance to talk about anticipation, they were eagerly searching, but they didn't quite know what they were searching for. May God bless you this season, and if you haven't found what you're looking for yet, I pray that this will be the time when your eyes are opened to see the truth that's waiting for you.

I've been learning lately that life is hard. Just about everything in life is hard - marriage, parenting, and sometimes being parented are among them even tho they can also reap a plentiful abundance of joy and blessings. Other things would be war, losing a loved one, being abused or neglected, being cheated on or rejected. Everyone has had a hard life if they have lived long enough. When you see a little old lady (or man) and they are NOT bitter, angry people, you have to stop and ask yourself why not. Did they live an easier life? Certainly not, they have lived thru many wars, they've lost loved ones, they've been forgotten by some and rejected by others. If you see or know an older person that is not angry and bitter at the world, spend time with them because they surely have something to teach us. Most have been married for 50 years to the same person, they have things to teach us about loving our spouses as well, and loving our children thru the rebellious stages. Oh how I wish I could sit at the feet of an older generation and glean some wisdom, and learn how to make the choices that would make me the same kind of person. Can you imagine another time in our lifetimes when we can look to a generation of hardworking, generous, dependable, patient men and women that don't complain about everything and everyone? If you have the chance, take advantage of it. Maybe in another 50 years, our grandchildren will ask us those same questions.

This is the last you'll hear from me on this page. I pulled Renee over to the computer to set the blog up tonight, picked out a pretty picture of one of her flowers from the yard, and smiled at her as I said... OK now write out your thoughts. This is Renee's blog. She has all this incredible stuff packed away in scattered notebooks all over the house... little pearls of wisdom, and rays of sunshine. I thought the world ought to have a little bit of the warmth. So, here it is. And it's up to you, my love, to fill it up.

~~~Mike